Birthday

The anniversary of the worst day of my life is fast approaching. Ethan's birthday is only one month and four days away. As hard as I try to supress the emotions and continue in a normal fashion, I feel the breakdown coming. This time last year he was still alive and growing inside of me. I could feel him moving and kicking and we would talk to him and talk about how excited we were to meet him, not knowing we would never get the chance. It's so hard to miss him now. I honestly thought I would have progressed further by now. I still can't talk about him or think about him without crying. Everytime we load up in the car I think "there should be one more." Everywhere we go I should be dragging out a stroller and a diaper bag. We've been talking about turning the nursery into a game room slash work station, but I just don't want to let him go. I know I will have to eventually, but I'm just not ready.

hadn't seen Madison's cat, Pretty Princess, in a while and I was looking for her. Everyone was taking a nap so all the bedroom doors were closed except Ethan's. I went in to look for her and she was curled up asleep in his crib. She does that sometimes. I say to her "are you keeping Ethan company," and she looks at me with her big green eyes as if to say "yeah, we're having a moment."

I finally had a dream about my sweet baby boy about a month ago. I was sitting down and he was standing on my lap facing me. I would pick him up and hold him in the air and he would drool on my face and laugh. He looked so cute. He was the age he would be now, about ten months. He had blonde hair that was straight on top, but curly around his ears. He was wearing a light blue polo shirt and khaki shorts with little brown leather sandals. To my surprise his eyes were brown. I had always pictured them as being blue. I guess I'll have to wait until I get heaven to solve that mystery. He looked so much like Maddie. When I brought him down close to my face he gave me those good slobbery kisses babies love to give. I didn't want it to end. That is the only dream I've had. Every night I hope for more.

Still the hardest part has been watching Jake and Maddie deal with the whole experience. As young as they are I would have thought a year would have come close to closing their wounds, but it hasn't. Madison's teacher told me yesterday that when they did their family unit they made "me" books. She drew a picture of her famiy and included Ethan. Her teacher asked her who the baby was and Maddie said "my brother." Her teacher said "I didn't know you had a baby brother." She said Maddie's bottom lip started to quiver and she said "I do." About three weeks ago we kept our neighbors little girl who was born three days after Ethan and when I told the kids she was coming Jake said "yeah, we get Ethan." In the last few days he has asked me several times if we can have another baby. I told him not until I finished school and then we would think about it. I asked him why he wanted a baby so badly and he said "because we don't have one." When I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, Jake wanted a boy so bad, now he says it doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl he just wants a baby.

Losing such a precious gift changes everyone's perspective, young and old. I thank God everyday for my beautiful children. All three of them. I love them with all of my heart. May God bless each and everyone who reads this blog.

I love you Ethan!!!