Lucky

As someone who has lost a child the word lucky seems a bit peculiar. However, after the events of the week I can honestly say that I feel lucky. I am grateful that my son will never experience pain ( physical or emotional), he will never be hungry, never be afraid. The list goes on and on. I am blessed enough to have a child in heaven who is spared form the torments of this world. If your are reading this you are probably wondering what on Earth I am talking about. Well, I have learned this week that children these days no about adult topics very early in life and it doesn't matter whether they attend public school or private. They are exposed to the same things. 5, 6 and 7 years old talking about sex, strippers and drugs. What has this world come to. Why are people who expose their children to such vile topics at such a tender age allowed to become parents at all. It is beyond me. Then others of us who are God fearing and loving are stripped of the precious children we would adore for a lifetime.

This has been a difficult week for me. At church Sunday there was a baby dedication that I was completely unprepared for. I fell to pieces. Not because I resented the parents who brought their beautiful children before God, but because it reminded of something I never got the opportunity to do. It made me miss my Ethan. I am constantly reminded that I should have a rambunctious 16 month old running around, but he isn't' here. I can have a pity party for a minute then I am reminded of the ungodly world we leave in and I think how very fortunate my sweet Ethan is. He is with God in heaven, safe and happy and loved in a way I could never compare to. It is so hard to live without him, but knowing he is in Glory makes it more bearable. I am blessed to have a child in heaven. It makes me long to be there. I want Jake and Madison to be with me as long as possible and me with them, but my hope as their mother is that one day we will all be together in heaven with our precious Ethan and all our family members who have gone before us.

My prayer tonight is for all the parents of the world. May we teach our children the ways of God and reflect his grace and love in all the things we do everyday. He is with us through good and bad. He is the way the truth and the light. May we open our hearts to him and live the way he lived, give the way he gave and love the way he loved. To my sweet Ethan, I love you, sweet dreams.

Birthday

The anniversary of the worst day of my life is fast approaching. Ethan's birthday is only one month and four days away. As hard as I try to supress the emotions and continue in a normal fashion, I feel the breakdown coming. This time last year he was still alive and growing inside of me. I could feel him moving and kicking and we would talk to him and talk about how excited we were to meet him, not knowing we would never get the chance. It's so hard to miss him now. I honestly thought I would have progressed further by now. I still can't talk about him or think about him without crying. Everytime we load up in the car I think "there should be one more." Everywhere we go I should be dragging out a stroller and a diaper bag. We've been talking about turning the nursery into a game room slash work station, but I just don't want to let him go. I know I will have to eventually, but I'm just not ready.

hadn't seen Madison's cat, Pretty Princess, in a while and I was looking for her. Everyone was taking a nap so all the bedroom doors were closed except Ethan's. I went in to look for her and she was curled up asleep in his crib. She does that sometimes. I say to her "are you keeping Ethan company," and she looks at me with her big green eyes as if to say "yeah, we're having a moment."

I finally had a dream about my sweet baby boy about a month ago. I was sitting down and he was standing on my lap facing me. I would pick him up and hold him in the air and he would drool on my face and laugh. He looked so cute. He was the age he would be now, about ten months. He had blonde hair that was straight on top, but curly around his ears. He was wearing a light blue polo shirt and khaki shorts with little brown leather sandals. To my surprise his eyes were brown. I had always pictured them as being blue. I guess I'll have to wait until I get heaven to solve that mystery. He looked so much like Maddie. When I brought him down close to my face he gave me those good slobbery kisses babies love to give. I didn't want it to end. That is the only dream I've had. Every night I hope for more.

Still the hardest part has been watching Jake and Maddie deal with the whole experience. As young as they are I would have thought a year would have come close to closing their wounds, but it hasn't. Madison's teacher told me yesterday that when they did their family unit they made "me" books. She drew a picture of her famiy and included Ethan. Her teacher asked her who the baby was and Maddie said "my brother." Her teacher said "I didn't know you had a baby brother." She said Maddie's bottom lip started to quiver and she said "I do." About three weeks ago we kept our neighbors little girl who was born three days after Ethan and when I told the kids she was coming Jake said "yeah, we get Ethan." In the last few days he has asked me several times if we can have another baby. I told him not until I finished school and then we would think about it. I asked him why he wanted a baby so badly and he said "because we don't have one." When I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, Jake wanted a boy so bad, now he says it doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl he just wants a baby.

Losing such a precious gift changes everyone's perspective, young and old. I thank God everyday for my beautiful children. All three of them. I love them with all of my heart. May God bless each and everyone who reads this blog.

I love you Ethan!!!

Nine Months

It has been nine months and four days since I became a hollow person. I got through the actual day of the anniversary by being completely caught up in sending Jake and Maddie back to school. Maddie started kindergarten by the way. I stayed as long as I could on the first day of school working on a PTA bulletin board. I wasn't looking forward to coming home to an empty house filled with silence that should have been filled with Ethan's squeals and giggles. Eventually I did make it home and got to work right away. I am re-doing Jacob and Madison's rooms. I was actually proud of myself for holding together so well, but then today came. Today has been the hardest for me in months. I've known it was coming for nine months, but I wasn't prepared for the emotions it would conjour up. A friend of mine had a baby today. A little girl by cecearean. Everything went well as I had prayed that it would. The change came when another friend called to remind me that our Monday night bible study would be going to see them tonight. I hadn't planned on going as I am suffering from a sinus infection, but it made me feel good that she was so thoughtful to consider if I would be okay with going to the hospital to see a newborn baby. I honestly hadn't given it much thought. When I did start to think about it I remembered the days after coming home from the hospital without Ethan. I sit here writing this post with an emptiness in my chest as big as the sky. I am back in the hospital ready to deliver Ethan. Everyone is so solemn and quiet. There are no smiles in his delivery room. Only terror and dread at what the next moments will bring. I deliver Ethan and much to my relief (didn't care what anyone else thought) he was perfect. The way his mouth opened and closed when I tilted his head I thought he might even start breathing. I can smell the smells and hear the beeps and the ohs as everyone sees this precious beautiful baby. I would love to be able to give him a bath and smell that fresh baby smell or feel him cuddle in my neck. So many things I wish for, but know I will never get. To all of the mother's out there who have lost a child at any stage, I am so sorry for your pain. I share it with you. I can only hope that you have friends that eerily understand without having experienced this loss what you need and when you need it.

Ellie.... Thank you for understanding my heart today and for understanding that what ever I am feeling is uniquely mine and never directed toward anyone else. I pray daily for the pregnant woman in my life, that they never have to experience the tragedy of losing a child.

goodnight E-Bug. I love you!!!

Prayer is good!!

I have to start this post by saying "Thank You" to all of you who prayed to help me remember my password for the blog. I never did remember it, but was finally able to set a new one. Thank you all so much I have been losing my mind for weeks. Prayer works!!!

Now to my sweet precious Ethan, mommy is so sorrow I haven't been on in so long. If you were here and getting to know me you would better understand that mommy can be a little scatter brained at times. All is well now and I can finally empty my soul of the words and emotions that have been cluttered there for these long weeks.

I will have to back track to fill in the blanks as I go through this post. I want to start with the things that are freshest in my mind. This past Sunday I sat down in the pew and opened my bulletin to see the topic of Sam's sermon for the day. I immediately started looking for the nearest box of kleenex. The sermon was about Jesus' resurrections. This particular sermon was about Jesus' interceding during a young man's funeral and bringing him back to life. Jesus was passing by the funeral procession and was overcome with compassion for the grieving mother, so he stopped the procession and gave the son back to his mother. Now there was no mention of whether the woman was a Christian or if she even knew who God was, so there I sit in God's house asking questions I knew I really had no right to ask. How much does a mother have to grieve to get God's attention? How does he choose which person will have their pain undone? Why would he not grant this miracle to a believer such as myself , but to a possible non-believer? By the end of the sermon my heart was heavy. I have know right to question. One day I will be able to ask my heavenly father why, but I suppose when that day comes I will be in such awe that the questions will be forgotten. I'm just glad in all of my uncertainity and my search for answers that God is still the one I am asking. He is my saviour, my father and my friend. He will not push me away , but instead pulls me closer and tells my heart not to fear, not to weep, not to doubt, not to grow weary of this world. You'll be here soon he says, just not yet. Be patient and share my love for you with others.
I could go on and on of God's grace and glory. I will end for tonight, but I am anxious to continue my journey with all of you. Good night Ethan, I love you!!

Unexpected Tears

It's amazing to me how I can be driving down the road and unexpectedly feel tears falling down my face. "Where did these come from,"I think? Then I realize I have allowed my mind to drift into my waking dream. I am holding Ethan and talking to him and cuddling him. As if he were here. I imagine him in his car seat right behind my seat in the van. For a moment everything is as it should be. Then I come back to the real world where my heart bleeds the pain that have caused my tears. My Ethan is gone and he is not coming back. He is not in his car seat. He is in heaven and while I am glad for that I can't help being selfish and angry and mumbling under my breath " why aren't you here, with me?" And then very human naturedly, I think what if there is no heaven. What if my precious baby has been ripped away from me and I will never see him again. What if I never know what color his eyes are. What if I never see him smile, never hear him laugh, never hear him breathe. Life is cruel.

Then I think, "what am I saying?" I have grown up a Christian, believing in God, Heaven and Hell. I wonder often how you convince a non-believer to believe. I don't know. I can only share my personal philosophy. I cannot imagine going through this life on Earth without believing there is a greater power and a greater place waiting for me. A place where I will be reunited with the loved ones I have lost and will lose in this lifetime. To lose faith is to lose hope. After all, if we believe in God and strive to live in his image are we not just being the kind of people we should be. I hope my life is a reflection of God. I am not perfect and will never claim to be, but I will do everything in my power to make it back to Ethan someday.

All I know is in my heart I truly believe that my lord and saviour is standing in a place so beautiful we cannot imagine it and he is holding my precious baby and telling him every night when I pray that mommy loves him and will see him soon. I heard a song today that says "Save a place for me, I'll be there soon." My sweet precious Ethan, I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so badly.

Daily Reminders

I never noticed other people's babies as much as I do now. This day started out pretty normal. I got up and got Jake ready for school. Then the little boy I babysit, Reed, came. After that I got Maddie dressed and we headed to Louisville to have my oil changed ( I was long overdue). We got home, had lunch, I put Reed down for a nap, Maddie didn't want to take a nap so we played Mariokart on the Wii. Jake got home, Reed got picked up and then Jake, Maddie and I headed to Kohl's to look for Jake a new pair of tennis shoes.

All normal activities. Then we went to Chic-fil-a for dinner. I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen or talked to since before I had Ethan. Her natural response to seeing me was to ask "where's the little one." Oh how I wished I could show off my beautiful baby. I told her the news and her reaction was as I had expected. Her eyes teared and the expression on her face told me her heart was breaking. She then revealed to me that she too had experienced a stillborn baby, at 51/2 months. It was her first pregnancy. She now has two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, just as I do. I have been absoutely amazed at the number of women who have confided in me that they are living their lives with a partial heart. They have lost children and therefore a part of their heart is missing. I would have never known had they not been willing to share this intimate detail with me. I am thankful, not that they experienced such a horrible loss, but that they shared their loss with me so I wouldn't feel alone. I have been blessed beyond measure by the amazing women God has brought into my life.

After Chic-fil-a we went to Jake's basketball practice. There was a couple there with a boy on Jake's team, a daughter about 2, and a baby boy about 3 months. The baby was adorable, but every time I looked at him, which was often, I felt the dagger stab into my heart. A couple of times the tears broke through. There are reminders everywhere I go. I know it will get easier with time. I hope I don't lose my friends through this process. I miss them terribly, but I just feel safer inside my home. At home I can choose when to expose myself to the pain, but outside things catch me off guard. It's as if someone is mocking me. I am trying to stay strong, but I feel weaker everyday. I just want to curl up in my bed with the box holding Ethan's ashes and waste away. I want to close my eyes and wake up in heaven in the presence of Jesus, angels and my sweet baby.