Nine Months

It has been nine months and four days since I became a hollow person. I got through the actual day of the anniversary by being completely caught up in sending Jake and Maddie back to school. Maddie started kindergarten by the way. I stayed as long as I could on the first day of school working on a PTA bulletin board. I wasn't looking forward to coming home to an empty house filled with silence that should have been filled with Ethan's squeals and giggles. Eventually I did make it home and got to work right away. I am re-doing Jacob and Madison's rooms. I was actually proud of myself for holding together so well, but then today came. Today has been the hardest for me in months. I've known it was coming for nine months, but I wasn't prepared for the emotions it would conjour up. A friend of mine had a baby today. A little girl by cecearean. Everything went well as I had prayed that it would. The change came when another friend called to remind me that our Monday night bible study would be going to see them tonight. I hadn't planned on going as I am suffering from a sinus infection, but it made me feel good that she was so thoughtful to consider if I would be okay with going to the hospital to see a newborn baby. I honestly hadn't given it much thought. When I did start to think about it I remembered the days after coming home from the hospital without Ethan. I sit here writing this post with an emptiness in my chest as big as the sky. I am back in the hospital ready to deliver Ethan. Everyone is so solemn and quiet. There are no smiles in his delivery room. Only terror and dread at what the next moments will bring. I deliver Ethan and much to my relief (didn't care what anyone else thought) he was perfect. The way his mouth opened and closed when I tilted his head I thought he might even start breathing. I can smell the smells and hear the beeps and the ohs as everyone sees this precious beautiful baby. I would love to be able to give him a bath and smell that fresh baby smell or feel him cuddle in my neck. So many things I wish for, but know I will never get. To all of the mother's out there who have lost a child at any stage, I am so sorry for your pain. I share it with you. I can only hope that you have friends that eerily understand without having experienced this loss what you need and when you need it.

Ellie.... Thank you for understanding my heart today and for understanding that what ever I am feeling is uniquely mine and never directed toward anyone else. I pray daily for the pregnant woman in my life, that they never have to experience the tragedy of losing a child.

goodnight E-Bug. I love you!!!