Unexpected Tears

It's amazing to me how I can be driving down the road and unexpectedly feel tears falling down my face. "Where did these come from,"I think? Then I realize I have allowed my mind to drift into my waking dream. I am holding Ethan and talking to him and cuddling him. As if he were here. I imagine him in his car seat right behind my seat in the van. For a moment everything is as it should be. Then I come back to the real world where my heart bleeds the pain that have caused my tears. My Ethan is gone and he is not coming back. He is not in his car seat. He is in heaven and while I am glad for that I can't help being selfish and angry and mumbling under my breath " why aren't you here, with me?" And then very human naturedly, I think what if there is no heaven. What if my precious baby has been ripped away from me and I will never see him again. What if I never know what color his eyes are. What if I never see him smile, never hear him laugh, never hear him breathe. Life is cruel.

Then I think, "what am I saying?" I have grown up a Christian, believing in God, Heaven and Hell. I wonder often how you convince a non-believer to believe. I don't know. I can only share my personal philosophy. I cannot imagine going through this life on Earth without believing there is a greater power and a greater place waiting for me. A place where I will be reunited with the loved ones I have lost and will lose in this lifetime. To lose faith is to lose hope. After all, if we believe in God and strive to live in his image are we not just being the kind of people we should be. I hope my life is a reflection of God. I am not perfect and will never claim to be, but I will do everything in my power to make it back to Ethan someday.

All I know is in my heart I truly believe that my lord and saviour is standing in a place so beautiful we cannot imagine it and he is holding my precious baby and telling him every night when I pray that mommy loves him and will see him soon. I heard a song today that says "Save a place for me, I'll be there soon." My sweet precious Ethan, I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so badly.

Daily Reminders

I never noticed other people's babies as much as I do now. This day started out pretty normal. I got up and got Jake ready for school. Then the little boy I babysit, Reed, came. After that I got Maddie dressed and we headed to Louisville to have my oil changed ( I was long overdue). We got home, had lunch, I put Reed down for a nap, Maddie didn't want to take a nap so we played Mariokart on the Wii. Jake got home, Reed got picked up and then Jake, Maddie and I headed to Kohl's to look for Jake a new pair of tennis shoes.

All normal activities. Then we went to Chic-fil-a for dinner. I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen or talked to since before I had Ethan. Her natural response to seeing me was to ask "where's the little one." Oh how I wished I could show off my beautiful baby. I told her the news and her reaction was as I had expected. Her eyes teared and the expression on her face told me her heart was breaking. She then revealed to me that she too had experienced a stillborn baby, at 51/2 months. It was her first pregnancy. She now has two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, just as I do. I have been absoutely amazed at the number of women who have confided in me that they are living their lives with a partial heart. They have lost children and therefore a part of their heart is missing. I would have never known had they not been willing to share this intimate detail with me. I am thankful, not that they experienced such a horrible loss, but that they shared their loss with me so I wouldn't feel alone. I have been blessed beyond measure by the amazing women God has brought into my life.

After Chic-fil-a we went to Jake's basketball practice. There was a couple there with a boy on Jake's team, a daughter about 2, and a baby boy about 3 months. The baby was adorable, but every time I looked at him, which was often, I felt the dagger stab into my heart. A couple of times the tears broke through. There are reminders everywhere I go. I know it will get easier with time. I hope I don't lose my friends through this process. I miss them terribly, but I just feel safer inside my home. At home I can choose when to expose myself to the pain, but outside things catch me off guard. It's as if someone is mocking me. I am trying to stay strong, but I feel weaker everyday. I just want to curl up in my bed with the box holding Ethan's ashes and waste away. I want to close my eyes and wake up in heaven in the presence of Jesus, angels and my sweet baby.

The Induction : Part II

The next few hours would be filled with questions and decisions to make. We didn't know yet that the baby was a boy. I wanted this one to be a surprise. We had picked the name Meghan Reese for a girl, but hadn't even discussed a boy's name. I really felt like the baby was a girl. So I hadn't pushed the issue. We got out the baby name book and began to choose a name for a boy. Just in case. We had to decide who would be in the room when the baby was born. Did we want to take pictures right away? Did we want Jake and Maddie to see and hold the baby? Did we want the grandparents to see and hold the baby? What funeral home would we like to use? Did we want an autopsy? Would we choose burial or cremation? You name it. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from my own body in my life. They even asked if we wanted to hold the baby? At the time I thought they must be insane. How could you ask me if I wanted to hold my child? Of course I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hold him forever. I have discovered that there are people who choose not to see the baby. I can't question that, I can only do what is best for me.

They told me once the baby was delivered I could hold him and keep him with me as long as I wanted, but that his body would start to change pretty quickly. As the moment grew closer when I would start to push, I got a really sick feeling in my stomach. The thoughts in my head were out of control. What would the baby look like? Would he be stiff and hard? How would I react when I saw the baby? As my doctor got into position to catch the baby she assured me the baby would probably look very normal. She said there may be some meconium in the water due to distress, other than that everything would go as a normal delivery would. Now it was time for me to do the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to find the strength and courage to give birth to a stillborn baby.

With the next contraction I executed my first push. After the second push the head was out. The cause of death was immediately evident. The umbilical cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck my doctor had to cut it away. She couldn't even pry her fingers in between the cord and his neck. There was no meconium or any other signs of distress. This was somewhat comforting. It seemed he hadn't suffered. One more push and my beautiful baby boy was here. They placed him on my chest and my husband cut the umbilical cord, just as he had with our other children. Ethan was so warm and soft and perfect. His lips were bright red and his hair was black. His skin was fair. I held him so close and told him over and over how much I loved him and how sorry I was. I kissed him again and again. His little mouth would open and close with the movement of my arm. I swear it looked like he was going to suck in a big gulp of air at any moment. I was pleading with him to breath, just breath. Nothing happened. Only about twenty minutes had passed, but his skin was already starting to bruise.

I reluctantly let the nurse take him to the nursery to clean him up and dress him, so the other family members could see him. They were going to take pictures while they had him as well. He was gone for about thirty minutes and when they brought him back his little body had changed more. The bruising was more pronounced and skin had started to peel. Blood would leak from the right side of his nose if you moved him around too much. He wasn't warm anymore, but he wasn't cold either. He was still soft and perfect. He felt much lighter to me than Jake and Maddie had been. They weighed him in at seven pounds eleven ounces and 19 and a half inches long. He is my little baby. I wanted his sex to be a surprise and I had longed for a little baby. I got my surprise and my little baby, I just didn't get to keep him.

We passed him around to the grandparents and his aunt and uncle and took a few pictures. We had decided not to let Jake and Maddie see him. We weren't sure how they would react. Now we realize we should have let them come in and see him. We made the best decisions we could at the time. Then everyone left Anthony, Ethan and I alone to say a final goodbye. I was in revelry with my new baby. He was beautiful, perfectly healthy, glorious. He was also dead. I held him for a while longer and then we called the nurse to take him for the last time. If I had it to do over I would have kept him with me all night. It was hard to imagine in that horrific moment that once the nurse walked out with him I would never see him again. I would never hold him again, I would never kiss his soft, red lips again, I would never smell his sweet scent again. I woke up so many times that night crying, wanting him back. I would look to the spot next to my bed where his bassinet should have been and say "he should be right there." He wasn't there, he was gone.

The Induction

It occured to me last night after my post that I haven't explained what happened to Ethan. I had a very normal pregnancy. No problems whatsoever. I was scheduled to be induced eight days before my due date. The Tuesday before the induction I had my last doctor's appointment. Everything was fine. We listened to Ethan's heartbeat and confirmed the induction and I left.

On Thursday November 5th, I arrived at the hospital early to start the induction. The nurses came in and started hooking up the belt to monitor Ethan's heartbeat. They fumbled around for several minutes and placed the belt several different times only to have to undo it and start over because the machine couldn't pick up the heartbeat. At this point I am starting to hyperventilate. They brought in a doppler like the OB uses in office and found a heartbeat, but it was slow. They told me I had to calm down and steady my breathing so they could get an accurate heartbeat. I am panicking because something is wrong with my baby and they want me to calm down. I did the best I could. The head nurse timed the pulse in my wrist with the heartbeat on the doppler and it was the same. Next they brought in an ultrasound machine and a midwife. I already feared the worst. The midwife left and one of the doctor's from my practice came in. She stood in front of the ultrasound machine so I was unable to see anything, but I could tell by increasing speed of her breathing that my worst fear had come true. At that moment she stepped to the side and showed us where his heart was and there was no movement. My baby was dead.

I just closed my eyes and kept saying "no, no" over and over. This could not be happening. I knew people that this had happened to, but it couldn't happen to me. I didn't ever want to open my eyes, but heard my husband's voice saying "baby stay with me." I openend my eyes and looked at him and said "I know this pregnancy wasn't planned, but this is not fair." The nurses left us alone for a few minutes and then the nightmare got worse. Not only was the baby dead, but I had to go through the whole labor and delivery process as if nothing was wrong. And so they moved me to a room at the end of the hall where we wouldn't be disturbed and the anesthesiologist was called in for an epidural. The idea was to keep me out of physical pain as much as possible. Once the epidural was in place they started pitocin and the waiting game began.

In the mean time blood was taken in an effort to find out what had gone wrong. My doctor came in a few hours into the process and said the test to show if the placenta had come detached was positive. As she prepared to break my water she warned me that there would probably be blood in the water. The water was completely clear, just as it should be. We still didn't know what had happened to our baby. We would have to wait until his arrival to find out more.
To be continued.....

The Wound Still Stings

Well it has been a couple of days since I posted. I have a lot to say, but my two living children keep me really busy. They are totally into the Iron Chef competitions on Food Network, so we have our own challenges. We have had a total of six challenges with Madison's play food and kitchens and one with real food and her crazy cookin' sensation station. Totally messy and totally fun. Madison wants to be a "cheft" when she grows up. So cute. I love spending time with them, but sometimes it also makes me think of Ethan and reminds me of all the things I will miss with him. Including getting to know what his personality is and the things he would enjoy doing with us.

These last two days being stuck in the house due to snow have been hard. I should be snuggling with my beautiful baby boy, but I'm not. My arms are empty and aching. My thoughts completely consumed by what might have been. What should have been. We all have struggles in our lives and make sacrifices for others, but sometimes the sacrifice is to great.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that God is using Ethan for his good and his promise that I will see my baby again and I will raise him in a perfect world. I'm human and I am selfish to the nth degree because I want my Ethan back and wish for that every second of every day. But how lucky my son is. He is in heaven in my savior's arms. He will never cry, or feel pain. or hunger or thurst. He won't have to suffer through life on this Earth to get to our heavenly father.

I wonder why I am not more upset at times. Why I am able to function and get through my day and go on with my life. It doesn't seem natural. I feel like I should be curled into a ball completely cut off from the world waiting to wake up in heaven and see Jesus holding Ethan out to me. My faith and my will are so much stronger than I ever imagined. Whenever I do feel like dying God whispers to me, "Just wait." There is something wonderful waiting for me on the other side. I know I have a job to do here first. I have two wonderful children to raise, a husband to love and grow old with and a message to spread. I will see Ethan again someday and how sweet it will be. Hold onto your faith no matter your circumstance for without faith we have nothing.

The Journey Begins

• I am writing to you, the mother's, who have lost a child. The pain is great, the suffering long. I lost my precious baby two months and 3 days ago. I wonder daily how I am supposed to go on without him. Many people don't understand my grief because I have two beautiful children already. They don't understand that it wouldn't matter if I had ten children or zero children, I still have to find away to live without my son. I love Madison, my four year old, and Jacob, my seven year old, with all of my heart. I also love my angel Ethan with all of my heart.

Most people who know me, no doubt would describe me as bubbly, spirited and happy. I still come across that way, but the biggest difference is I have becoome an actress. I am empty and dead inside. My heart aches for my baby. I know people wonder how I am still smiling. I want to tell you. It is with great effort that my smile is still visible, but I am a typically proud mother. My Ethan is a soldier for God. Since his death and memorial service, so many people have come to me and said they were touched and comforted by our pastor's words. Brother Sam did an amazing job. He gave us all permission to grieve and to question God's motives and to just ask why? Any thing we feel is okay. I know God is using Ethan to save souls here on Earth. Everyone kept saying , "if only something good would come of this then it wouldn't seem so bad. Well, let me tell you, almost immediately I knew what God's plan was. Ironically it was something I had prayed for going on eleven years. Mind you, I had never prayed to lose a child, but God's purpose for Ethan was clear. He was to be a soldier for God. He is a soul saver. My Ethan and I have become a soul winning team. I truly believe that Ethan has planted seeds for me to water and nurture. The way I live my life,including the way I handle Ethan's death, is an example for those around me of God's amazing grace and love.

I am human. There are many days when I am angry and question God. I want my baby back! It seems so unfair. Especially to my two surviving children. It is so painful to think of their disappointment. We as adults don't understand why these horriffic things happen, imagine trying to understand as a four year old or seven year old.

The day Ethan was born, a friend from church came by to take Jacob and Madison to lunch. As they were leaving the hospital Madison said "Ms. Ellie, I don't get to take care of my baby." She was so ready to be a big sister. We were all cheated out of something wonderful. I want so many times to go into the backyard, (where I'm sure God will hear me), and scream at the top of my lungs," GIVE MY BABY BACK!!!!!" Instead I usually end up in Ethan's room, face down on the floor, praying for a miracle. My miracle being that the next time I walk into his room he will be lying in his crib, healthy, smiling, alive. I find myself bargaining with God. That if so many people were drawn to God by Ethan's death, imagine the amount of people who would be convicted by his resurrection.

My Ethan is still in heaven. I'm still waiting for my miracle.