Unexpected Tears

It's amazing to me how I can be driving down the road and unexpectedly feel tears falling down my face. "Where did these come from,"I think? Then I realize I have allowed my mind to drift into my waking dream. I am holding Ethan and talking to him and cuddling him. As if he were here. I imagine him in his car seat right behind my seat in the van. For a moment everything is as it should be. Then I come back to the real world where my heart bleeds the pain that have caused my tears. My Ethan is gone and he is not coming back. He is not in his car seat. He is in heaven and while I am glad for that I can't help being selfish and angry and mumbling under my breath " why aren't you here, with me?" And then very human naturedly, I think what if there is no heaven. What if my precious baby has been ripped away from me and I will never see him again. What if I never know what color his eyes are. What if I never see him smile, never hear him laugh, never hear him breathe. Life is cruel.

Then I think, "what am I saying?" I have grown up a Christian, believing in God, Heaven and Hell. I wonder often how you convince a non-believer to believe. I don't know. I can only share my personal philosophy. I cannot imagine going through this life on Earth without believing there is a greater power and a greater place waiting for me. A place where I will be reunited with the loved ones I have lost and will lose in this lifetime. To lose faith is to lose hope. After all, if we believe in God and strive to live in his image are we not just being the kind of people we should be. I hope my life is a reflection of God. I am not perfect and will never claim to be, but I will do everything in my power to make it back to Ethan someday.

All I know is in my heart I truly believe that my lord and saviour is standing in a place so beautiful we cannot imagine it and he is holding my precious baby and telling him every night when I pray that mommy loves him and will see him soon. I heard a song today that says "Save a place for me, I'll be there soon." My sweet precious Ethan, I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so badly.