The Induction : Part II

The next few hours would be filled with questions and decisions to make. We didn't know yet that the baby was a boy. I wanted this one to be a surprise. We had picked the name Meghan Reese for a girl, but hadn't even discussed a boy's name. I really felt like the baby was a girl. So I hadn't pushed the issue. We got out the baby name book and began to choose a name for a boy. Just in case. We had to decide who would be in the room when the baby was born. Did we want to take pictures right away? Did we want Jake and Maddie to see and hold the baby? Did we want the grandparents to see and hold the baby? What funeral home would we like to use? Did we want an autopsy? Would we choose burial or cremation? You name it. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from my own body in my life. They even asked if we wanted to hold the baby? At the time I thought they must be insane. How could you ask me if I wanted to hold my child? Of course I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hold him forever. I have discovered that there are people who choose not to see the baby. I can't question that, I can only do what is best for me.

They told me once the baby was delivered I could hold him and keep him with me as long as I wanted, but that his body would start to change pretty quickly. As the moment grew closer when I would start to push, I got a really sick feeling in my stomach. The thoughts in my head were out of control. What would the baby look like? Would he be stiff and hard? How would I react when I saw the baby? As my doctor got into position to catch the baby she assured me the baby would probably look very normal. She said there may be some meconium in the water due to distress, other than that everything would go as a normal delivery would. Now it was time for me to do the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to find the strength and courage to give birth to a stillborn baby.

With the next contraction I executed my first push. After the second push the head was out. The cause of death was immediately evident. The umbilical cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck my doctor had to cut it away. She couldn't even pry her fingers in between the cord and his neck. There was no meconium or any other signs of distress. This was somewhat comforting. It seemed he hadn't suffered. One more push and my beautiful baby boy was here. They placed him on my chest and my husband cut the umbilical cord, just as he had with our other children. Ethan was so warm and soft and perfect. His lips were bright red and his hair was black. His skin was fair. I held him so close and told him over and over how much I loved him and how sorry I was. I kissed him again and again. His little mouth would open and close with the movement of my arm. I swear it looked like he was going to suck in a big gulp of air at any moment. I was pleading with him to breath, just breath. Nothing happened. Only about twenty minutes had passed, but his skin was already starting to bruise.

I reluctantly let the nurse take him to the nursery to clean him up and dress him, so the other family members could see him. They were going to take pictures while they had him as well. He was gone for about thirty minutes and when they brought him back his little body had changed more. The bruising was more pronounced and skin had started to peel. Blood would leak from the right side of his nose if you moved him around too much. He wasn't warm anymore, but he wasn't cold either. He was still soft and perfect. He felt much lighter to me than Jake and Maddie had been. They weighed him in at seven pounds eleven ounces and 19 and a half inches long. He is my little baby. I wanted his sex to be a surprise and I had longed for a little baby. I got my surprise and my little baby, I just didn't get to keep him.

We passed him around to the grandparents and his aunt and uncle and took a few pictures. We had decided not to let Jake and Maddie see him. We weren't sure how they would react. Now we realize we should have let them come in and see him. We made the best decisions we could at the time. Then everyone left Anthony, Ethan and I alone to say a final goodbye. I was in revelry with my new baby. He was beautiful, perfectly healthy, glorious. He was also dead. I held him for a while longer and then we called the nurse to take him for the last time. If I had it to do over I would have kept him with me all night. It was hard to imagine in that horrific moment that once the nurse walked out with him I would never see him again. I would never hold him again, I would never kiss his soft, red lips again, I would never smell his sweet scent again. I woke up so many times that night crying, wanting him back. I would look to the spot next to my bed where his bassinet should have been and say "he should be right there." He wasn't there, he was gone.