The Journey Begins

• I am writing to you, the mother's, who have lost a child. The pain is great, the suffering long. I lost my precious baby two months and 3 days ago. I wonder daily how I am supposed to go on without him. Many people don't understand my grief because I have two beautiful children already. They don't understand that it wouldn't matter if I had ten children or zero children, I still have to find away to live without my son. I love Madison, my four year old, and Jacob, my seven year old, with all of my heart. I also love my angel Ethan with all of my heart.

Most people who know me, no doubt would describe me as bubbly, spirited and happy. I still come across that way, but the biggest difference is I have becoome an actress. I am empty and dead inside. My heart aches for my baby. I know people wonder how I am still smiling. I want to tell you. It is with great effort that my smile is still visible, but I am a typically proud mother. My Ethan is a soldier for God. Since his death and memorial service, so many people have come to me and said they were touched and comforted by our pastor's words. Brother Sam did an amazing job. He gave us all permission to grieve and to question God's motives and to just ask why? Any thing we feel is okay. I know God is using Ethan to save souls here on Earth. Everyone kept saying , "if only something good would come of this then it wouldn't seem so bad. Well, let me tell you, almost immediately I knew what God's plan was. Ironically it was something I had prayed for going on eleven years. Mind you, I had never prayed to lose a child, but God's purpose for Ethan was clear. He was to be a soldier for God. He is a soul saver. My Ethan and I have become a soul winning team. I truly believe that Ethan has planted seeds for me to water and nurture. The way I live my life,including the way I handle Ethan's death, is an example for those around me of God's amazing grace and love.

I am human. There are many days when I am angry and question God. I want my baby back! It seems so unfair. Especially to my two surviving children. It is so painful to think of their disappointment. We as adults don't understand why these horriffic things happen, imagine trying to understand as a four year old or seven year old.

The day Ethan was born, a friend from church came by to take Jacob and Madison to lunch. As they were leaving the hospital Madison said "Ms. Ellie, I don't get to take care of my baby." She was so ready to be a big sister. We were all cheated out of something wonderful. I want so many times to go into the backyard, (where I'm sure God will hear me), and scream at the top of my lungs," GIVE MY BABY BACK!!!!!" Instead I usually end up in Ethan's room, face down on the floor, praying for a miracle. My miracle being that the next time I walk into his room he will be lying in his crib, healthy, smiling, alive. I find myself bargaining with God. That if so many people were drawn to God by Ethan's death, imagine the amount of people who would be convicted by his resurrection.

My Ethan is still in heaven. I'm still waiting for my miracle.