The Wound Still Stings

Well it has been a couple of days since I posted. I have a lot to say, but my two living children keep me really busy. They are totally into the Iron Chef competitions on Food Network, so we have our own challenges. We have had a total of six challenges with Madison's play food and kitchens and one with real food and her crazy cookin' sensation station. Totally messy and totally fun. Madison wants to be a "cheft" when she grows up. So cute. I love spending time with them, but sometimes it also makes me think of Ethan and reminds me of all the things I will miss with him. Including getting to know what his personality is and the things he would enjoy doing with us.

These last two days being stuck in the house due to snow have been hard. I should be snuggling with my beautiful baby boy, but I'm not. My arms are empty and aching. My thoughts completely consumed by what might have been. What should have been. We all have struggles in our lives and make sacrifices for others, but sometimes the sacrifice is to great.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that God is using Ethan for his good and his promise that I will see my baby again and I will raise him in a perfect world. I'm human and I am selfish to the nth degree because I want my Ethan back and wish for that every second of every day. But how lucky my son is. He is in heaven in my savior's arms. He will never cry, or feel pain. or hunger or thurst. He won't have to suffer through life on this Earth to get to our heavenly father.

I wonder why I am not more upset at times. Why I am able to function and get through my day and go on with my life. It doesn't seem natural. I feel like I should be curled into a ball completely cut off from the world waiting to wake up in heaven and see Jesus holding Ethan out to me. My faith and my will are so much stronger than I ever imagined. Whenever I do feel like dying God whispers to me, "Just wait." There is something wonderful waiting for me on the other side. I know I have a job to do here first. I have two wonderful children to raise, a husband to love and grow old with and a message to spread. I will see Ethan again someday and how sweet it will be. Hold onto your faith no matter your circumstance for without faith we have nothing.